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Computer terminology for country
folk:
1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the
farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the
rifle when yore wife asks.
25.
MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
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Next -
The Spelling Chequer
Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly
marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key
and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar
write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is
maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its
rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your
pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.
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Next -
Microsoft vs GM
At a recent computer
expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with
the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the
computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars
that got 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments,
General Motors issued a press release stating: "If GM had developed
technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following
characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a
day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to
buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4. Occasionally,
executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and
refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5.
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT."
But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car
that was powered by the sun, be more reliable, five times as fast, and twice
as easy to drive,but would only run on five per cent of the roads.
7. The
oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single
"General Car Fault" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to
have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?"
before going off.
10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car
would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio
antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe
set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they
neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would
immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice
Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would
have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls
would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the
"Start" button to shut off the engine."
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Next -
The Labor Machine
A married couple went to the hospital
to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival, the doctor said he had
invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor
pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were
both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to
10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the
father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the
husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was
still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and
was amazed at how well he was doing. At this they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping
out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer
ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no
pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman
was dead on their porch.
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Next -
The Nun
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the
cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and
he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I would find offensive. "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a
nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that.
There are some conditions though. Number one, you have to be single and
Number 2, you must be Catholic." The cab driver is very excited and says,
"Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun says "OK, pull into the
next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get
back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the
nun, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I
must confess. I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my
name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
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Next -
Butt Prints In The Sand
One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there were
seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.
But then some stranger prints appeared,
And I asked the Lord, "What
have we here?
Those prints are large and round and neat,
But, Lord, they are too big for feet."
"My child," He said in somber tones,
"for miles I carried you
alone,
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."
"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would
not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."
"Because in life, there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one
must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."
- Next -
WHY DID THE CHICKEN
CROSS THE ROAD?
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of
eChicken.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't
you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was
going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it the "other side."
Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you
will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this
abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless
phrases like “the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross
the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
SADDAM HUSSAIN:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking
American.
DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the
road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it
crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be
free to cross roads without having their motives called into
question.
GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good
enough for us.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road. It
was a historical inevitability.
RONALD REAGAN:
What chicken?
KEN STARR:
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road
at the behest of the president of the United States of America in an
effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from
the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to
cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president's
ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of
law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional
immunity provided he cooperates fully with our investigation. Furthermore,
the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other sideof the road until
our investigation and any congressional follow-up investigations have been
completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked
information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be
homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may
have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone
before.
FOX MULDER:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How
many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the
chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual
insecurity.
EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road
move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do
you mean by chicken?Could you define chicken please?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The
chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him
down.
THE BIBLE:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto
the chicken,"Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road,
and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS:
I missed one?
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